bethemedia

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 17:03:30 GMT

Ever Tried to Write Poetry?

Ever Tried to write poetry?
Ever tried to write a poem?
It always has to look different, doesn't it?

Wonder why.

I suppose it's to make it seem more important

by writing it on more space than necessary.

Those poor trees. How they must hate Keats.

If this ever gets printed, I'm going to tree-hell.

I flicked through a book of poetry recently.

It was so full of space I thought it was a notebook.

Famous Last Words

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 17:06:10 GMT

A site that collects Death Row inmates' last words makes for compelling reading. Mostly consisting of diguised apology and sometimes genuine realisation, one in particular, no doubt rehearsed, stuck out to me:

"We all know what really happened, but there are some things you just can't fight. Little people always seem to get squashed. It happens. ... There is no man that is free from all evil, nor any man that is so evil to be worth nothing. "

— David Castillo, executed in Texas on Aug. 23, 1998

It strikes me as odd and a little eerie that the last words of a man condemned to die hold both the seeds of equality, and the belief that on a level we are all bad to various degrees.

http://www.courttv.com/news/special/090806_last_words_ctv.html?curPhoto=4

More here:

http://www.courttv.com/news/special/090806_last_words_ctv.html

Happy (weird) reading.

TV License - Temporary Exemptions?

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 11:59:23 GMT

An actual letter sent to the beloved TV License department in Britain

=-=-=-=-

Dears Sirs,

Please let me explain the situation. I have been living in a shared
house with a television owned by another tenant. This tenant has
recently moved out, taking the television with him. Accordingly, when
you contacted me to renew my license I declined your offer.

However, I have since obtained another, older, television set which I am
not sure will function adequately. Since I do not have a license, I am
unable at home to determine whether the appliance will tune correctly,
without violating the Communications Act 2003, as I understand it.

This situation leads to the following two questions:

1. If I decide to leave the television set unused (it has been
unplugged, and the aerial has been separated from the appliance), do I
need to inform the relevant authorities, or perhaps apply for a license
NOT to watch television broadcasts - I hope this would be cheaper?

2. Is there any way to obtain a temporary exemption from the Act, say
for 30 minutes, solely to determine the operational state of the
television set? I am sure you understand that I do not wish to commit
over one hundred pounds before I have this information. I would try to
ensure no enjoyment will be made of broadcasts received during this
period. Perhaps if you could broadcast a 'test card' page for a time in
the middle of the night, this would be sufficient.

I await your kind response. Please note that I do not intend to use
games consoles or video equipment with this television set - a category
which is adequately covered on your excellent website.

Yours faithfully,

Rum and Coca Cola

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 09:07:05 GMT

If you ever go down Trinidad
They make you feel so very glad
Calypso sing and make up rhyme
Guarantee you one real good fine time

  Drinkin' rum and Coca-Cola
  Go down Point Koomahnah
  Both mother and daughter
  Workin' for the Yankee dollar

Oh, beat it man, beat it

Since the Yankee come to Trinidad
They got the young girls all goin' mad
Young girls say they treat 'em nice
Make Trinidad like paradise

  Drinkin' rum and Coca-Cola
  Go down Point Koomahnah
  Both mother and daughter
  Workin' for the Yankee dollar

Oh, you vex me, you vex me

From Chicachicaree to Mona's Isle
Native girls all dance and smile
Help soldier celebrate his leave
Make every day like New Year's Eve

  Drinkin' rum and Coca-Cola
  Go down Point Koomahnah
  Both mother and daughter
  Workin' for the Yankee dollar

It's a fact, man, it's a fact

In old Trinidad, I also fear
The situation is mighty queer
Like the Yankee girl, the native swoon
When she hear der Bingo croon

  Drinkin' rum and Coca-Cola
  Go down Point Koomahnah
  Both mother and daughter
  Workin' for the Yankee dollar

Out on Manzanella Beach
G.I. romance with native peach
All night long, make tropic love
Next day, sit in hot sun and cool off

  Drinkin' rum and Coca-Cola
  Go down Point Koomahnah
  Both mother and daughter
  Workin' for the Yankee dollar

It's a fact, man, it's a fact

Rum and Coca-Cola
Rum and Coca-Cola
Workin' for the Yankee dollar

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 14:40:25 GMT

Is Today!

And accordingly, Livejournal have switched their Update Journal button for 'Update Captain's Log.'

Very Good.

Shivver Me Timbers.

Anyone downloading music illegally should talk like this all the time. Arf Arf.

Or should that be ARRRRRRRRRRRFFFFF?

Living up to your name

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 14:38:00 GMT

This is awesome.

Check out this guy's picture

Now look at his name in this link.

Now look at his name.

Great, no?

Handsome Barstad

Browzar - Idiots writing testaments about web security

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 12:48:04 GMT

Browzar, a web based shell programme that fits over Internet Explorer, and isn't really a browser, launched with a lot of fuss and kafuffle the other day. Why? Because it blocks you using Google, is in cahoots with Pay Per Click Sites, does nothing to protect privacy and is generally a pile of lies. Yes.

But the ‘Testaments’ on the Browzar site are possibly the most self-defeatingly funny bits of writing from this week. Have a look:

“I just tried auto-complete on my wife’s computer and got: Hitler, Nazi marching, air raid, blitzkrieg, infantry German, Nazi rally, Wehmacht infantry, Wehrmach rally... If she wasn’t a history teacher I’d be quite worried.”

DICKHEAD. So from this we can deduce:

a) You suspect your wife for no reason, as she is doing what she does anyway. Being a teacher. Teaching idiots like you that can't spell Wehrmacht correctly even once in a sentence, or even the same each time.

b) As you admit, there is nothing dodgy about her use of the internet - something you can't conclusively prove from her search results.

c) From b) you can deduce that you cannot jump to conclusions about people based on their search history.

Ask Google – hell, Ask Ask! (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) There’s a reason why they’re not giving the Feds the world’s search info. YOU CANNOT JUDGE PEOPLE ON REASONABLE INTERNET USE. And if the sort of person who is doing really dodgy stuff (like illegal malicious, terror) is using Browzar to get away with it, is that a good product to have out there? So we’re suspecting our wives on one hand, and letting paedo-monsters get away with it on the other? This isn’t security.

“I used to think that the only single girl in the office was hot until auto-complete told me that her most frequent search was ‘stretch marks’.”

Yeah? And? So? What? Did she sprout a second head? If you are going to think she’s hot for superficial reasons, something I admit I have been party to, then why do you care about her searches? How did you find them out, you stalker cock? Wow, she’s not worthy of your weird ass, is she?

Last year, my sister was using my (single) Dad's computer and tried searching her name (which begins with "V"). Good old auto complete came up with "Viagra", turns out that my dad has been buying Viagra.

Yeah, everyone knows it’s plain wrong for older men, or anyone who’s older than the uptight teenager who wrote this to ever engage in any kind of sexual activity. So we shouldn’t need Browzar then…

At the bottom it invites you to share your own story via stories@browzar.com

I suggest you write the most absurd story you can think of. Go on. Send the best fake ones to me too so I can laugh about it.

Come to think of it, maybe the ones on the site are faked anyway? Oh, no way...

Actual Hate-mail sent to a T-shirt site. (NSFW)

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 09:25:35 GMT

To Prickwear.com:

From: Ryanne

You know the world could live with out a t shirt with a bird finger on it. But what is really sick is your company's blasphamy of Jesus Christ. How dispicable! I guess your company and the people who are employed by Prick do not care if they are going to hell and how many people they take with them. God is real whether or not you believe in Him or not. Stop running from the truth. You can tell me to go F myself if you would like. It does not hurt my feelings. I just hope I am standing next to every one of you in heaven when you tell God to go F Himself. He rewards those for their good works and lets the demons drag those who betray Him off to Hell. No retorical comment you could ever make can even compare to the pain you all will face if you don't change your life.

PW: Yes the world COULD live without that t-shirt, but do you really think it wants to? Right now we have little Honduran kids working 18 hours a day to make a t-shirt big enough for the whole Earth to wear--scientists assure us it will also be useful in covering that big hole in the ozone. Maybe Jesus will even be able to see it from Heaven! Anyway, I would never tell you to F yourself, it'd be terrible to only be with yourself for your first time. When we do meet in line at Heaven you will recognize me by the shirt I wear. And you can see me challenge God to an arm wrestling match before he has those demons drag me off to Hell. What an all-forgiving and loving God you worship! By the way, you confused words: It's GRAVITY that is real whether you believe in it or not, not God silly!

From: Inertiable

Initially I got on your site and was pretty well amused, then I read your "Fuck You Monthly" section. I find it pretty hypocritical to have a site set up making fun of corporations, politions, and religion for making people conform. Though if anyone doesn't agree with you as far as religion goes you label them as misguided idiots. Hell where are your shirts insulting hindus' and buddhist, they believe in a better place and in being guided by higher beings as well. Just because other people choose to live their lives believing in something higher then themselves doesn't mean they want to break down your door and force it down your throat. Try not being so ignorant in your beliefs expand your mind to include other cultures in it.

PW: I have a hard time believing that you made it through our site being amused only to become offended by our comments in the Fuck You Monthly section. Were you just looking at the pretty colors on our site and not reading what any of our shirts said? Don't be a retard, people that don't agree with us aren't labeled as misguided idiots except when they write in and make an intellectual fool of themselves. Even if I could completely disregard your run-on sentences and poor grammar I don't think I would ever consider you intelligent enough to know what the word proselytize means, let alone have any type of meaningful conversation about why BECAUSE OF THIS WORD Christians are just so darn easy to poke fun at. Next time I come across an article that quotes leaders of Buddhist communities claiming that a natural disaster is directly linked to the number of abortions that country sees each year (Thank you Pat Robertson), I will gladly make you a t-shirt that says "Buddhists Are Stupid Too". Until then stop calling me ignorant, you ignant shit.

From: A Little Dirty

i think its pretty lame of you to discurage god and all.. what has he done to you? he gave you life. he gave you the chance to make something of your self, and all you do is make money off of people that hate him too.. one day my friend, your going to get yours, whether it be you children or what ever, he will stricke you, and you will put out a clothing line for Christians... THEN and ONLY then will me and my jewish church buy your clothing... but untill then, i wish you the best of luck, and i will see you in the after life my love.. toodles :)

PW: You're pretty funny. I'm pretty sure in this hypothetical world you so deftly painted for us Jesus would never ever let us sell our Christian products to your dirty, Jesus killing church.

I love really bad hatemail. I love the way it undermines the subject's point the more angry it becomes. Notice how those prone to irrationality and anger tend to be of the religious ilk - coincidence? Ask the 'guy on a stick' who died because of them - the view from the cross will have been filled with people like those writing above.

Chill out.

Get a T shirt.

How about his one?

Steve Irwin - Dead on Ebay

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 13:14:04 GMT

Roll up! Roll up! You've heard the stories, you've seen the documentaries, you've mourned his passing, now BUY THE CORPSE! Buy Steve Irwin Dead on Ebay! (Click below to enlarge)

I'm sure he's have seen the funny side.

Most Inappropriate Song at a Funeral

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 10:34:02 GMT

Come on Gang - some fun for you, and a little interaction with fiction writing. I'm co-writing a short story on organising one's own funeral and I need some suggestions for the worst/most inappropriate songs to hear at a funeral ceremony.

A few years ago someone told me they were at 'one of the most touching' funerals ever - they played Run Away Train by Soul Asylum as the coffin went into the pit to be burned up.

I've never laughed so much in my life.

I was thinking Man in the Box by Alice in Chains would be a good one. Considering also that the singer is now dead...

Suggestions via the comments page please.

Jokes with Realistic Punchlines

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 14:06:05 GMT

This appeared on SomethingAwful a while back. Check em out, there are hundreds.
The best one:

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

That's the best joke I've ever heard.

Her Name is Lucy Gao

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 13:13:01 GMT

Since you can now buy T-shirts with bits of the email I described in the last entry, I might as well kill my efforts to conceal her name out of (pfffff) RESPECT, BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!

Sorry.

So she's a Baliol College Girl.

http://business.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,8210-2327707,00.html

Here's the thank you letter after the event, plus a photo of the friends - presumably after the staggered approach to the Rivoli Bar.

http://www.oxfordgossip.co.uk/new/showthread.php?t=5097&page=6&pp=10

Here's a (dead) link to Lucy Gao promoting a department at Oxford, and more pics, as well as her dismayed response to the worldwise laughter her 'joke' email got. Of course, if it was meant to be a joke, she'd be desperately happy.

Which she appears not to be.

And here you can buy T SHirts to commemorate the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!! AAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

We're all screwed.

Happy Birthday, SELF-ABSORBED GIRL'S NAME REMOVED

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 11:14:41 GMT

This email is doing the rounds. Remember that Ketchup Lawyer story? Here's a psychopathically snobby birthday invitation. Names removed to spare hewr friends the embarrassment felt by anyone who ever deals with her.

Bold Self-absorbed big headed moronisms have been highlighted for your derisory pleasure.

=-=-=-=-

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all your replies and I am glad all of you can come this
Friday to celebrate my 21st with me. Please read ALL the following to
ensure your entry into the Ritz.

(SELF-ABSORBED GIRL'S NAME REMOVED) 21st Birthday Party
at The Ritz Hotel London

Friday, 18th of August
9pm Champagne Reception
10pm Photo Shoots
10:30pm Blowing Candles

Mid-night Pangaea, Mayfair

I have arranged the Ritz to host a Champagne Reception with a selection
of Ritz Champagne for all my guests, this will be on me so please come
and indulge.

A specially made birthday cake has also been ordered and the Ritz
waiters will kindly serve you each a generous slice with Ritz cutleries,
etc...also on me.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ENTRY:
* When you arrive, take the Hotel entry on the opposite side of
the Green Park tube station [Please refer to your arrival time at the
end of this email]
* When asked "how can I help you Sir/Madame?", you reply "I am
here for (SELF-ABSORBED GIRL'S NAME REMOVED) Birthday Party at the Rivoli Bar"
* You will be escorted to the lounge area next to the Rivoli bar,
where you will hopefully see a gorgeous group of ladies.

If you experience any issues getting in or getting to the Ritz, please
call my mobile on (SELF-ABSORBED GIRL'S NUMBER REMOVED) and my PA (POOR SECRETARY WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH SELF ABSOBED GIRL) will kindly deal with
your queries between 8:30pm to 10pm.

STRICT DRESS CODE:
Gentlemen: Jacket, shirt, and please also bring a tie (no jeans,
trainers, flip-flops, polo-shirts)
Ladies: skirt/top, cocktail dress (no denim, min-skirts, flip-flips, bad
tastes)
Advice 1: It goes without saying that the more upper-class you dress,
the less likely you shall be denied entry. Advice 2: Photos will be
taken between 10pm to 10:30pm, and these will be distributed once
processed, therefore you may want to be well-groomed! ;)

Finally...
I will be accepting cards and small gifts between 9pm to 11pm...
wink> hehehe

I very much look forward to seeing you all at the Ritz this Friday.

(SELF-ABSORBED GIRL'S NAME REMOVED)

ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]

9:00pm: (VERY MIDDLE CLASS SOUNDING NAMES REMOVED)
9:15pm: (VERY MIDDLE CLASS SOUNDING NAMES REMOVED)
9:30pm: (VERY MIDDLE CLASS SOUNDING NAMES REMOVED)
9:45pm: (VERY MIDDLE CLASS SOUNDING NAMES REMOVED)
10:00pm: (VERY MIDDLE CLASS SOUNDING NAMES REMOVED)

=-=-=-
Wow.

Actual Similies and Metaphors from Highschool Essays

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 09:22:56 GMT

English teachers across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published annually, to the amusement of our teachers.

These are some of the most creative bits of writing I've read in ages. I hope to God they got full marks. If a similie stands out, even comically, it ahs been successful. And exam markers should also remember - these are the kids that make marking papers interesting. As they do not write by rote, nor do you mark by rote.

Here are last year's winners....

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Andy Andrist - Because he's damn hilarious

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 09:00:48 GMT

This CD is great.

"You don't get back at Starbucks by kicking in their windows because you just involve the insurance companies, and they're a big f*cking sham too. If you want to get back at Starbucks, do what I do. I go in there every morning and order a triple grande latte with f*cking sprinkles, and then I drop it on the floor. That's anarchy. I've just cut your profit margin in half you f*ckers. Mop it up you greedy c0cksuckers! Oops I stepped on my scone as well. Can I get another one of those please?"

The way that bolded bit is delivered will have you laughing all the way to the supermarket to buy tissues to wipe your watering eyes from where you fell into the house cactus plant from smoking so much to try and stop yourself laughing. That time. When I was 15.

Buy it.

Buy it.

Buy it.

Survivor - Bring on Arma-RACE-don

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 08:38:29 GMT

No doubt people have heard about this by now. The new Survivor will feature 4 teams divided on race (white, black, blue, purple, thanks Mitch) rather than allowing people on the programme based purely on their attractiveness.

That was never a problem was it? Oh no, as long as we like the result of eugenics we don't even notice the show was segregated to begin with. But when it comes to doing it by race it must be hatred, and it must be stopped!!

One of my buddies claims it will fan the flames of intolerance. Maybe. In fact, yes, definitely. It'll certainly get the wrong people cheering at the screens for the wrong reasons in bars all over the US, and probably the world. But they were racist morons anyway, it's not like Survivor made them any less likely to go out and beat up a brown kid after necking their warm watery draught beer and laughing about beating their wives.

Personally, I'm WELL above all that - and I am really looking forward to the answers to these long-standing burning questions which we will now finally be able to clear up:

Which race can build the best tent? (My money is on the Indians, whoops, I mean the Native Americans - good job you can edit with this Livejournal thing...oph wait, NA's aren't even in the competition. RACIST!)

Which race can hunt best with a spear?

Which race will most quickly atavise into 'base' animalism, thus proving they are definitely closer to monkeys than "the others"? My money's on all of them.

Which race is just better than the others?

Which race can rescue the magic bean sprout from the tree of woe in Jungle Challenge 9 to get their magic crystal, thus allowing them enough water to live another day? I bet it's the Hispanics. Nope, no good reason, just a hunch.

Which race will develop the ability to use tools and language before the others. Will they come up with the Complete Works of Shakespeare in order if we chain them to some parchment and give them feathers dipped in ink?

Who even cares they're divided into races? Reality TV is cruel anyway, on both viewer and victim. If dividing people up according to race is racist, there are some pretty racist tribes out there in the Amazon. Seperatists!

And for those who just don't get it, I'm joking.

Denglish/Germlisch

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 14:05:23 GMT

This is a very interesting article.

Denglish, the mixture of English and Deutsch (German) is just another example of how English, or indeed any language that has come into contact with other languages, came about, and evolves even now.

Specifically check this out (my bold type):

"We are colonising ourselves, voluntarily," complained the German Language Association, a 26,000-strong private group of self-appointed language guardians who want legal protection for the language.

The association has introduced an award for "language adulterer of the year" to shame public figures whom it deems guilty of showing insufficient respect for German.

The leading candidate for this year's prize, to be announced in late-August, is Guenther Oettinger, premier of the state of Baden-Wuerttemberg.

His offence? Saying Germany should adopt English as its working language and use German at home and on holiday. The association called him a "language lackey."

Linguistic purists are people simply worries about change in their own lifetime. Not content with engaging in new rules and vocabulary, they see any shift in meaning as 'the death of language and indeed everything on the planet including you" (no-one has officially said this by the way but it's typical of this kind of overreaction.)

Of course these self-same German purists accepted German language at birth without question, even though it contains words like 'Service', (French) 'Kiosk' (Viking) and hundreds of other non 'German words' - however you define tha, of course.

Also - colonialism, as used above in the quote from Reuters, implies one side owning the other.
It seems no purists in Germany is desperately concerned about the reverse occuring.

Get over it. We're all heading for one massive language anyway.

Actual Church Bulletins...

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 11:27:54 GMT

Bill Hicks once said that irony is not a concept that is understood by fundamentalists of any religion, sicne their beliefs involve taking words literally. Thus there is no space for double/intended/implied meaning.

Is it surprising then, that these sentences managed to make it into a Church Bulletin? One one hande, they wouldn't see the joke. On the other side, these people follow an organised religion, and not beliefs, hence irony underpins all they do, n'est pas?

You decide.

Here they are.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Mass Lone Demonstration

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 15:05:56 GMT

Check this out - and by all means do it. I will.

MASS LONE PROTEST

http://www.londonist.com/archives/2006/08/protesting_is_n.php

Mark Thomas is holding a mass lone demonstration on the last day of August. HIS protest is regarding the SOCA law that specifies protests within 1km of parliament as illegal, unless permission is requested. But your protest can be about anything.

I'm open to suggestions on what I should protest.

You have less than 24 hrs.

The Snakes in Spain...

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 11:31:57 GMT

5 most obviously drug-fuelled TV appearances

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 10:29:10 GMT

I cannot express how valuable this link is.

Get on it. Literally.

http://www.cracked.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=880

I am slowly realising how amaqzingly useful the net will be in tracking down all those moments we would lose forever if we didn't have the net. Those Oliver Reed moments.

Check out Klaus Kinski. Great line about the Germans (for the record, I have long-standing ties with Germany, and love the nation and it's cutlure a great deal. This is, however, hilarious.)

As anyone who’s seen those old Hitler speeches will tell you, Germans look pretty angry when they speak, and as this video proves, they even look angry when speaking French.

Cracked, discovered only minutes ago by my bored brain, may prove to be the greatest thing I will ever read.

I Hate Winnie the Pooh

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 09:53:17 GMT

Come on, it's time to put away childish things, and read this brilliant parody of Winnie from Cracked.com

http://www.cracked.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=890

It was pulled from publication - automatically making it great. Have fun.
Christopher Robin was a loser. Take a look who he hangs out with. Any humans in that list?

Nope.

Get in touch with your Outer Adult, as Bill Hicks once said.

Enjoy.

The Leftie Lexicon - One correct definition

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 10:17:24 GMT

Quite a bit of abuse is (rightly) being thrown at this guy at the moment for a set of definitions writtenm by him, which include daft ones like this:

Islamophobic - anyone who objects to having their transport blown up on the way to work.

Haha good one. Oh wait. Awful.

However, this one is true:

Diversity - creating a workforce based on how people look rather than on their skills or aptitude

See my comments on Stonewall from June.

Proportional representation does not mean equal amounts of race - it means equal abilities of each race to apply to and be considered for any position. Who actually gets it will only depend on abilities. How is this even a debatable point?

Shame it's appearing under a radical conservative blog. It's actually one of the most liberal sentiments I can think of.

Mandelbrot Fractal - Must see!

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 15:23:48 GMT

I love Fractals. Mostly because I'm too dim to understand them.

For example - how do you find a shape that you can create out out of billions of versions of itself? It's like chicken and egg. I'm sure there's an explanation. I just enjoy the thrill of not understanding it.

Via Pistolwimp, via the beloved Milkandcookies

Have a good weekend people.

We will always remember

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 15:48:16 GMT

The day they took our hair products away.

When we are no longer allowed to carry anything on a flight anywhere, like cattle are not allowed to take grass on the cattle train - and one day we will find this above article in some small dark archive somewhere, and wonder why we didn't see it coming.

Yes - a failed plot takes away the same liberties as a successful one. We no longer carry anything on. The only difference? Since there was no ultimate deaths from the attempt, the infractions on our freedoms affect that many more in the short term. We're all dead in the long term.

Not a good day for any of us, either way.

Thanks AGAIN, extremists. Now your children will be even more angry and will try and blow everyone up in the name of the freedoms you helped us lose.

It's like generational Chinese Whispers passing on an insult that gets worse from ear to ear. We just don't realise that it's our leaders, preachers and teachers that are passing that insult to us.

Have a good evening.